Please give a warm welcome to Ambrosia, a new writer on Neverland!!!
Read and enjoy her fic and of course give her some feedback!!
Title: Giving up her old Life for a new Life
Author: Ambrosia
Cast: You, four lifers
Sligo-Fic
Teaser: She was
looking for a new start on life and the only way she would get that is if she
left her old life behind. She did it by making the biggest and hardest move of
her life. She set her goal and made the move after trading in her old life to
start fresh in the small country town of Sligo, but first of all, what brought
her to Sligo?
7 comments:
I have to say this was a good and valiant effort from a newcomer...
I thought the story was sweet... how she meet the lifer (Shane for me) and how nice he was to her and truly concerned. Hard not to fall for a guy like that, huh?
I also thought there was a lot of drama going on with her background story... I mean yikes!
My only criticism, and maybe it's not really criticism, just eager thinking on my part, is that the story had a lot to give... at least that's how I felt. I mean, you have this awful past and then she meets this nice guy... I mean the possibilities were endless. So perhaps that was my take, I just wanted to read a little bit more.
However, I did like it...
So keep it up!
^^ Agree with Kara
The story has a lot of potential really, you have a very interesting storyline going but to me the story seems a bit rushed. It jumps from one event to the other, never really going into fine details that makes the story that more interesting to read. Keep trying though coz I'm sure that with a bit more practice you'll get there :)
Agreed with both of you :) Maybe rushed is a good word for it.
The idea is great and also the way of writing, but maybe you could do more, describe more, give more details, especially in cases like this where she is completely terrified and should definitely be committed to a mental hospital after all that she's been through. Emphasize with her and give us more :) Always remember, you can write 40 pages or 140, we dont mind at all :)
Maybe there is also something about the perspective (point of view) it changes throughout the fic, starting with a first-person narrator, but then the guys start talking about her when she is gone... sometimes it is hard to keep the first person as the only narrator, I see that problem in many of my long fics. You want somebody to see or think something, but the first person narrator doesnt know that and he is the only one telling stuff... phew... maybe there it would be easier to switch completely, like writing one part as her point of view, one part as his. Then the reader knows what both of them think and feel.
Keep writing and give us more!! I like your creativity!
BTW, Thank you guys for your comments, they are really helpful!! We often have short notes like "sweet fic" but that doesnt help the author. For some time now, many of you have started giving real comments and that is a great thing for the site!!!
Here is what I think.
First of, I enjoyed the story, without a doubt (I like a lot of stories I'm not hard to please lol). I do think there was something very interesting and mysterious in the character's backstory with the bad boyfriend and the loss of her parents. I would have liked to see that get explored more. I do feel it was being rushed a lot just to get to the point and finish it, but certainly I think taking a bit of time can be helpful.
If writing in first person and you get stuck, I'd advise to maybe write in a third person narrative, like he said, she said, they. It can make it easier to see what all the characters are thinking, saying or doing.
One of the key things I think that makes a story enjoyable is that you let it flow, don't force it to finish at a point or change its direction because it has to. Let it come to you, and this is not for this story its for any story really :-)
Anyway don't give up keep working at it.
thank you all for the responses and feedback I will take it all into count and I'm planning on a sequeal soon just at the moment busy with college and 7 assignments plus currently in hospital due to server injuries but I promise to have one started so it can be up for you all to read. Thanks Ambie.
Oh no! Hope you're recovering well? Take good care of yourself
Great first fic, I agree with all the above comments, especially the first person narrative.
If you do choose to write in first person then when your character leaves a situation, the readers should go with her and not know about things that happened or what was said when she leaves. Third person is much easier to write in, you can describe situations without the main character being involved.
I also think there's a lot more this story could give. If it were me, I'd not mention the troubled past in the first chapter, I'd have the interactions with the 'Main Lifer' and have him just as confused as the reader by her behaviour, keeping them guessing until she tells him about her troubled past.
You still did a great job and I look forward to a sequel. Hope you feel better too.
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